time goes to fast and sometimes i wonder why

is procreate worth the money? im not doing to good on ibis paint anymore, its more like ibis pain. ive never paid for a art app so id like to know if its good, i dont have a drawing tablet or anything only a phone so id doubt its worth it for just a phone. I'm just wondering if its any good because it seems overally complicated and my brain doesnt work with overly complicated things.

also today i sort of ran out of meds so i hope i dont have an episode today because my phones already annoyed me to the point i went back to sleep to avoid me getting worse. hopefully i can get more tomorrow. If i get refunded for this fursuit commision i might try find someone else who can make avery for me. avery has been my main sona for so long and i really want her as a suit because she is one of the main things thats kept me sane these past few years, writing her own story and her personality makes me feel better about myself because shes just me but as a purple female wolf. maybe im insane but i just love the sona in general.

i commisioned a custom pillow for her (not a body one ew.) and she looks so cute already, i dont usually pay for these types of things because i think its not worth the money, but i like pillows so id use it in my daily life (to sleep on and to probably hug at night) i really want a plushie of avery just so i can hug something at night that means alot to me. not many things mean alot to me so im glad something does. I have a similar plush to my cat mimi, its really cute and fluffy. I got it second hand though so i dont know where its been but its been washed.. it was worth it for a cheaper build a bear anyway. As far as i know its in good condition so i doubt anything bad has been done to it. maybe im overthinking but people are weird to inanimate objects.

TW sh

i got so annoyed last night probably reason why i forgot to plug my phone on charge and went straight to sleep leading me to more issues, i was just on my laptop and my friend out of no where was acting hostile to me and making me severly upset which resulted in SH which i regret because i was just reading everything in the wrong tone and it was all my fault in the end i was the one being hostile and they were just trying to be nice but now as i read some things back they still make me upset but i cant put my finger on why im upset about it, maybe its because they enjoy talking to their other friends more, they talk different to me then their other friends i feel like im spoke down upon because im different or something maybe if i was to have something that would make them like me more maybe i could be included in thee things that im not. i get so jealous when my friends talk to other people and i dont know why, its just so unhealthy and i end up procrastinating about everything and then i end up harming myself because of it.

im using newgrounds as a weird diary thing, maybe someone would help even if your a random stranger some words may help me.

im so happy, my friend took my phone to go get it fixed, i gave them the money so hopefully my phones ok, although i fucked it more by accidentally putting it into a software download instead of rebooting it.. I hope this doesnt ruin the phone in the long run BUT it did say just to press the volume down button and the power button. well sucks for me because the power button didnt work. luckily the repair was only $35 so its not that bad after all. I just wish i didnt fall asleep and put my phone on charge because then i would of saved money :(

woke up this morning and remebered i forgot to plug in my phone, your probably thinking oh just put it on charge now, no issues? WRONG the power button is broken and clearly my phones to dumb to do any of the following methods i read online to turn on, and im not going through a whole debugger website to try and turn a phone on, its not worth it after all. I'm going to have to get the phone fixed because theres no way i can afford another one right now. I'm really tired still and i want to sleep but im not happy.

i love music, i think whoever is deaf has a sad life because what do you mean you cant drown your own sorrow in music? i think music is the best thing about having ears and the ablility to hear. i dont want to hear people whining in my ear i want to hear music, the only thing that keeps me happy.

i got a custom pillow of avery today, i hope they can draw her fast enough to get her shipped to me in time for february

i dont mind though, patience is key sometimes.

i also do hope that my sh stops soon, it hurts to shower and i havent for 3 days (ewww!!) whos ever going to hire me if i smell like a damp dog? anyway, my cat mimi she likes to comfort me alot during these times. (mimi is a fluffy tuxedo cat) ive had her since i was around 12.

to be honest i think my fursuit maker has also given up on making my suit, ive had no progress since 2023. I think its time i get a refund instead of holding on by a thread right?

today was shit, I stayed in my bed almost all day and now I don't have a source of income, ever since my breakup my bpd has gotten worse, I feel like it will never end well.